I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver
I’m standing on a corner in Bethlehem. The real, holy land one, not the one in Pennsylvania. I’m with my hetero life and creative partner Nick and our wonderful camera magician Oscar. My traveling companions are Hispanic. This matters only in that they look similar to everyone except me. As a flow of two hundred people per minute rushes by me, I am the only Anglo we will see today. We are in the marketplace, and we don’t know why. Four days ago we were in this same market place and it poured rain so hard the sewers backed up, we got very lost and very wet, and I was 90% sure I hated all of Israel.
So today we decided to try again. The film we are shooting, it’s an off day. So we got falafel. We went to “Star & Bucks” coffee shop. No one spoke a dick of English, but somehow the absurd good nature of these people powered through, and the little man- wait- (everyone here is little and dresses very, very nicely. Even the guys with the super hip partial Mohawks whose day consists of standing around on an island in the middle of traffic group smoking chain smoking, they look sharp.) So the little man, this particular little man, he figures out I want coffee and ice cream. Me being a pale frost giant probably tipped him off.
I really was not prepared for what came next. Listen. If you’ve had moments of great inspiration and faith, if you have been filled with energy and spirit that you know to be greater than yourself and connects you to the universe, then you know what I am talking about and no explanation is needed. Imagine a few shots of espresso and a Butterfinger and a pint of chocolate gelato and some of the liquid concentration of pure love was made in to a coffee drink. That’s what I had. This day was shaping up to be pretty excellent. The sun was out, girls with gorgeous eyes and ninja masks on smiled with their lashes and the people radiated a genuine good will. But it had not yet become matching track suit excellent. That’s the kind of shit that takes excellent and makes it divine.
I lost 40 pounds this month. That’s right. You read that right motherfuckers. 40 pounds in 30 days. I have before and after pictures and daily workout and calorie trackers but just fuck you believe me.
12% body fat and 40 pounds lost. 30 days. 266->226.
Disclaimer: im no health expert and this shit is probably crazy dangerous for you, but fuck you it works.
First and foremost having a really shifty self-loathing attitude helps. Nothing about this article is sarcasm. Just so you keep up.
To be honest, you probably can’t do what I can do. You’re too weak.
Lose weight like you fucking mean it. Like you’re a goddamned Viet Kong prisoner. Like John Mccain.
I’m not pushing fad diet or trying to sell you anything or saying what I did is good for you. But if you’re a fat fuck and want to not be, shut the fuck up and listen to me. One on one coaching available, you fat sloppy unfocused piece of shit.
Discipline – yea its ducking bold and italics. LEARN IT,
STOP BEING LAZY AND MAKING FUCKING EXCUSES
There is always an excuse if you look for it.
fuck your excuses
Stop eating shit
Ride a bike
Stop making excuses
Stop eating shit
Get some fucking control
Last month I average 644 calories a day intake and 1900 calories burned.,
No cheat days
No cheat minutes
Stop jerking off- once a week at max
The end of food as enjoyment
If it tastes good stay the fuck away from it- no meat, suigar. Anything.
Learn to love being alone doing cardio for hours
Work out constantly- 4 hours of cardio- camel cardio
Mental toughness, tell your brain to shut up
stop giving a fuck about anything but being in shape kind of like sobriety and AA
Every day cardio
Never eat unless you’re starving
Eat only supplements otherwise
Take 80 Supplements- partial list at bottom
Drink 3 gallons of water
No meat, sugar, anything
Actually just muscle monsters. If your’re hungry drink a monster
Take prescription drugs. Whatever you can get your hands on.
Lift stupid repetitive low weights every single day
Listen to radio shitty it pisses you off
Stay up all night then just go work out at 8 am
Sleep 5 hours a night
Stretch., a LOT
Be. Mentally. Tough
Discipline you fat fuck
Be accountable for yourself you fat disgusting mess
List of things I take every day, several twice a day: generally 1.5 times whatever the recommended dose it:
green tea extract
Muscletech t booster
Diablo weigh loss pills
So. If you want to lost a fuck-ton of weight. Do that. Let me know and I’ll help you, you lazy fat piece of shit
naivety and wisdom
shyness and pride
her sweet innocent smile
contrasts the eyes of many lives
and her slim taunt frame
gorgeous and sublime
is just the exterior
of a depth
impossible to explain
Let’s do something interesting together.
Emmy Award Winner. National Addy. Six National Tellys.
Writer – Producer – Creative Power Plant.
NBA. Adidas. BMW . Pepsi. NFL. Nike.
Trainer – Motivator- Performer.
Microsoft. Blackberry. Verizon.
Events of thousands. Thousands of events.
Actor – Tech – Improviser
Hundreds of improve comedy show. Host. Motivator.
Blue Man Group. Cirque Du Soleil. The Improv.
Film and Television – Commercial – Strange fiction.
Actor – Writer – Director
The Second City Conservatory
The University of Arizona
The violent spew and flow of vitriol and hurtful words like lava. The ejaculate of volcano, inferno hot, destroying all in slow, creeping wraith. Moan and desperate cries for help insignificant. Until its done. Then just a hard cold black trail of coal and sadness. A solid mass of regret. Please let me build on this rocky frozen death something sturdy
I am the American Buddhist. I am Zen. I am apathy. I am empty. I have no attachment to anything. I am nothing. Your religion. Your politics. Your sex and race and taste. I don’t care. I am not angry. Not offended. Not perturbed. I simply do not care.
I don’t matter. But even more so, neither do you.
Through my insurmountable apathy I have found my inner peace: Pieced together from the burnt torn out pages of bibles and senate bills and protest billboards, I took on the blackened dead fragments with no scripture left. This is my doctrine, my manifesto. An empty coal dark sheet of absolutely not giving a fuck.
I have been assaulted and inundated and intoxicated by your morals and ideas and ideals for three decades and the result is not a sense of pride or motivation. Not one of spite or rebellion. My reaction is numb. Is none.
Now all is a transient radiation of love. And I find peace, and I find joy and I live in every moment and I have no collar and no stone, no cross burden of anything. I am nothing but a vacuum space and violently wielded ambivalence. And I am happy. And I am free.
Having been in
So many cities in such short time
I’ve come to realize that at this time of year
Every city looks almost exactly the same, when you get outside the city
We are all pretty much the fucking same
Buildings all plorped out of the same plant
A cabbie from another country
Hotel lobbies with fruit in the water cooler
Front desk people just the right amount of attractive
more green things
Airport traveling people doing airport things they think are so important
Every place is the same
Where I live with my love
And its hot and brown and I adore it
What I’ve been doing lately;
Corporate hired gun. You know Ben Affleck in ‘Boiler Room’? Like that but minus like 50% of the coolness.
So this month I’ll see, for an overnight stay and “act as-if” speech to various groups of impressionable young sales talent, the following:
Irvine. Seattle. Vegas.
New Orleans. Atlanta. Boston.
Orlando. Cleveland. Boston.
Then probably blackout.
I longed for a child.
A child, swaddled in a crib of twenty dollar bills.
A child, swaddled in a crib of twenty dollar bills surrounded by VHS copies of “Jurassic Park”.
Dreams come true, my friends. Never, ever give up on your dreams. Never.
(Side note: this is one of those pictures that feels too authentic to be a “let’s put together random stuff and it will be funny haha!”. There’s some kind of purpose and method behind this. The meticulous arrangement, the off center placement of the fake baby, the work it took to build a wall around the child then shoot it from above. There’s something particularly strange and fascinating about this. I’d imagine, for someone, this has some deeply profound meaning. This is our Pyramids of Cheops, our Sphinx… Some day a future scholar will find this and be profoundly captivated.)
Cause, you know, we can take this out back. I got no problem serving you up a knuckle sandwich. Square right across your ugly mug. I’ll hit ya so hard your parents will get smash-brains.
I’m the king of this here block, and if you don’t like it, Lucky here has no problem taking you on the express train to Assbeat, Virginia. You can’t even hurt him. Like that chicken that lived for twenty years with no head. I’ll just feed him steak and whiskey down his neck hole and he’ll keep beating ass.
So yea, if you got a problem with my smokes, you can either step outside and get your skull cracked or wait forty years for me to die an agonizing death from fist-sized tumors. Your call, tough guy. But even after the black lungs kill me, No-Head Lucky will find ya, and kick you square in the Eisenhower.
I’ll be back after nap time, and the shit will hit the shinebox, my boy.
Listen. You better pray to whatever god you believe in that this glass holds.
I have a number of grievances. The following:
1) That is my bucket.
2) I am in essentially what amounts to a watery prison cell.
3) I really don’t fully grasp the concept of land animals, but I do know if another family of Canadian tourists gets put in water with me they’re getting a semicircle taken out of their abdomen.
4) My bucket holds my fish. (NOT A GRIEVANCE simply reinforcing point #1.)
5) I have more brain folds than a human. As physiology dictates, the more brain folds an animal’s brain has, the smarter it is. It probably has something to do with tri-lateral movement capabilities. I navigate on three separate planes concurrently whilst echo locating. I’m probably smarter than you, Pinky. I’m certainly smarter than whatever asshole let their screaming terrified child sit on my bucket long enough to photograph it.
6) I have absolutely no idea how cameras work.
6.5) I want a camera.
7) Why am I in a jail cell? Granted, we are the only other species on earth to kill for pure enjoyment.. but… well there really isn’t a followup argument to that. I’m kind of a murderous sea sociopath.
8) I believe I would do well in corporate America.
9) Not to dwell on the bucket again, but why do you feel you even have the right to sit on it? Do you Canadians just go around plopping down on whatever you damn well please? You’re in an amusement park, not whatever slovenly piss soaked hovel you call home.
10) I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.
In summation, my life is one of constant humiliation and exhibition and if given the chance and hands I would gleefully Caesar-Up and Planet of the Dolphins the hell out of this place.
10.5) I’m not sure where I got the Planet of the Apes reference from.
Anyhow, thank you for your time, and I look forward to an early death from the abhorrent living conditions and you assholes throwing hotdogs in my tank all the goddamned time.
Pipsy: Prisoner 14
By now, He had the kind of eyes that always looked half closed. Like the sun was hurting him even in the middle of darkness. A sleepy-eyed sort of half wince the result of a half century of pain and sacrifice and abuse. Dark brown pupils were shadowed to black under his heavy lids. This combination of wise confidence and vulnerable need, it was palpable in his gaze. The look of a man who had seen shame and pride, violence and kindness, hate and compassion, and no longer cared which was which. No longer could care. Beaten.
These eyes, they used to glint with flecks of gypsum. With flashes of rage and braggadocio. These eyes could stop a train of thought; derail a head full of steam or disarm the defenses of suspicion. These eyes were once confident and poised. A soul poured out through them; he was music and laughter and sly glances. Once those pupils dilated to scan a room for potential fights or fucks. They told stories of battles and conquests. Of a man who had lived a few lives in the span of half. Once they were alive. Once he was alive.
Now his grayed brow crushed down with the weight of a lifetime of concern. The pressure of tragedy. The force of failure. Half closed, all he saw now through his narrow slits was defeat. His time was decades before other’s. His witness to a world of extremes exacted their toll. After he died, his eyes stayed half open. Dead and lifeless as they had been for years.
I came across this. It’s about five years old and was a response to a friend’s question “What’s in your blind spot- what’s the lie you tell yourself that holds you back?”
I initially thought mine was �I have no control over anything�, hence me putting myself into a nearly constant state of chaos at all times- job, girlfriends, insane drinking. But I got down a little farther, to the meat of it (and this was super illuminating; I�ve done plenty of this sort of thing as acting work, but hadn�t really thought of it in terms of self improvement ((which is stupid, right?))
I started thinking about why I feel like I can�t control anything, and I felt this overwhelming chaos around me. I realized that I actually strive for that chaos. The reason I feel comfortable in chaos, hell, the reason I did improv for so long, the reason I dated dysfunctional women, was because it exonerated me of responsibility. Nothing is my fault, the world is insane. The world is uncontrollable, not me. It�s not my fault I couldn�t pay rent, I�m not married, my mom is sick. Nothing�s my fault because—
Oh. That feeling, it comes in my diaphragm. It feels like the elevator drop feeling and the vomiting from car sickness feeling at the same time. I though back, through a lot of shit, when I felt that- It usually made me turn to drugs or drinking- and I kept back peddling. And I remember, being four years old, walking in to a hospital room ER and seeing my mother on a respirator. Covered in tubing and wires, so much tubing, like a cyborg. Needles and bags and that beeping sound. And I had the elevator crash feeling in my guts. And I was scared she was going to leave me.
Scared that I was going to be alone
So to restore my happiness, safety, and belonging, I figured �well, the world is insane! It�s not my fault! Whatever happens, happens, and I have no control over it!� And then, it wasn�t MY fault I was going to be alone. It was the world�s fault. Everything was stupid and worthless. I became a cynic at age four. I took refuge in my negativity. I chose the �dark side�. And I�ve been like that ever since. I loved sharks as a little boy. I was mean to people. Condescending, elitist, judgmental. I still am. Because the world is stupid�it�s going to fuck me over and I�ll be alone and it�s not my fault.
So when things make sense, relationships go well, I have a good job, I live in one place for a few years, well, the world looks less chaotic, and that terrifies my child�s eye. So I fuck it up. Consistently. Either by being a raging asshole, being wildly inappropriate, cheating, spending every dime I had. I fuck it up on purpose, because the world is _supposed_ to be fucked up, somewhere deep inside me thinks.
So how do I sit in my shit? I think I did it for a long time. I like to think I�m a little better now, and I try to get better every day. Breathing, training to fight, nutrition, you guys, all contribute to me realizing the world isn�t really so bad. And everyone isn�t a fucking moron. And I wont� be alone because the world makes me.
You want to
Open it up so anything can get in. this void. Its dark and coal like a burnt down hollow stump after a forest fire. You want to claw at your core. Interlace your fingers with your ribs, intertwining like lovers embrace, and rip yourself asunder apart. Just to be open. Just to get something anything in. pry open your cavity snap back the bone into butterfly wings of bone and open in to the devour that is where a heart should be.
But you can’t
It’s too strong what you’ve built on top of it, the armor, you cant pierce the skin with your fingers or blades or words. You’re too thick calloused layers of scars and regrowth and bone bruise. Gnarled fragment reattached and strengthened you built up so much armor so much safety so much
To protect nothing
You thought if you could hide it long enough it would go away or grow or no one would know. But nothing is always nothing and the only thing that grows in the dark is fungus and rot. And no one would know. Your decayed sick secret. The only way to fix it. Is light. Illuminate it, kill it with blinding flashes. Kill all the lies and sick inside. Expose it.
But you cant.
You’re just too strong for that.